“You Can’t Fall Off the Floor”

I don’t remember the last time I shot up.

I do, however, remember the first. I couldn’t do it myself -yet- so my girlfriend did it for me. Left arm, main pipe, powder. I remember the sting of the needle like yesterday. I savored it, and the release that followed. My eyes widened and a little moan escaped my mouth. The world was vibrating, and everything seemed serene. I told her it was ‘like God had come into me and chased all the demons away.’  I was obsessed from the beginning, only I didn’t realize it until much later, once I’d dropped thirty-odd pounds and the money was gone.

It’s funny how it happens. One day you’re going to ‘casually’ shoot some coke, just to try it, then a few months later, you’ve lost all of your marbles and are passing out at work because you’ve not slept in God only knows how long. Your body is wasted and caked in filth, your arms, hands, and neck are scabbed over with needle pricks. And one day, you look in the mirror and just like that, it dawns on you: “oh shit, I’m a junkie.” and then, another strange thing happens, which is that it’s not fun anymore, because now that you’ve become self-aware, you need it. Once you’ve become cognizant of exactly why you’re feeling so irritable and worn-out, then it becomes your duty in life to fix it, and fix it you shall, over and over and over, ad infinitum.

For me, I’m not proud of what I did, but I’m not ashamed of it, either. I made the mistake of letting the shame and guilt eat me and put off stopping because I thought I’d never get better, that recovery was a myth, whatever. But somewhere inside, I was burning for a real life, to be free again. I just needed a reason.

Not everyone who gets into drugs will quit, but with the right tools, they can. For me, it was my work, my girlfriend (now fiance`) it was my family, but ultimately, it was because I knew that the gaunt, sunken features of the filthy thing in the mirror weren’t mine. I couldn’t accept that thing as me. If you’re reading this and you are going through addiction, of any sort or kind, don’t let the monster win. You must choose, and you must choose for a reason. When you’ve found one, hold on to it for dear life, and don’t ever, ever let go.

And if you’re scared, don’t worry because you can’t fall off the floor.