“Well, What Now?”

I’ll be clean two years as of the thirtieth this coming November. One question I’ve often asked myself since quitting crack and coke is “well, what now?” It took a long time to pull my life back together and rebuild trust in my relationships with friends and family, and I can’t forget the financial hole I dug for myself either, which I have (mostly) climbed out of, but I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t miss packing a fat stem and obliterating myself, or seeing the register, that beautiful spurt of crimson blood when I would find a vein right before blasting off, bells ringing all the way as the world spun and warped about me.

It’s hard to shake how great it feels being high. Almost two years later, I still think about it. The part that keeps me clean is everything else. I’m too tired to go back out and chase all night anymore. I was lucky enough to not have been arrested while driving like an imbecile through parts of town I had no good business in, fucked out of my mind. I got pulled over once on International and thought I was going to shit my pants. My headlight was out, apparently. No big deal, except that the car was packed with drugs and used rigs. I still had my work outfit on, a nice button-up with some dress pants and my hospital badge -which I think is what saved me.

My biggest reason for staying clean is my daughter. I never want to see her in that same shitty place I was. “Well, what now?” Now, it’s time to grow up, to be a father, to be a husband, to be a man. If you don’t have a reason to live, or to get clean, look outside yourself and find one. The world can be a beautiful place. Life is bitter at times, but it can be sweet, too. Give life a chance. Give yourself a chance. You deserve it, whether you believe it or not.