“And Here It Is…”

For a great span of time, I wished to become a ghost. Not to die, but to become invisible, imperceptible to anyone and everything for the sake of observation, but also of protection. This world is a nest of vipers, and their venom is as lethal and debilitating as any. To move unnoticed among the writhing mass of vicious snakes is the only way to survive for very long. As the saying goes, ‘once bitten, twice shy’.

It wasn’t enough. Becoming invisible -or at least less visible- ushered in a new kind of loneliness that I could scarcely handle. The bitter truth is that I do need friends, acquaintances, people in general. This realization reminds me of an ideal I drew from Mgla’s song, “Exercises in Futility V”. The lyrics go “And here it is/ Grown from within/ An invincible stronghold adorned with death/ A suit of shining armor replaces skin/ And calligraphed sins are as coat of arms//”. I saw my chance to become hard and invincible, clad in unbreakable gall; to rise up and take my piece of this world and drag it deep within the chambers of my own mind to be reshaped into something unique and forbidden to everyone but myself.

This desire, having arisen chiefly from disdain for all things modern and new, burned dark and red within me; a hatred that my body and brain could scarcely contain. I cracked, and the walls came crumbling down. The fortress was burning, the armor rusted away, and only the calligraphy of my own sins remained, carved into my skin and to be worn as scars until burned off by time and death, a grim reminder of my faults and failures while I still live.

But I have worn many scars for the majority of my life, and my tolerance for pain and shame are beyond that of the average human. This is merely a brief impediment. I will endure.

My work continues…