Putrescence clings to me; the odious shit-smears of a past I can’t escape, let alone understand, stick to my skin like pine resin. Everything occurs in fragments. There is darkness, and then there is illumination, pictures in my head that I can’t turn off. It’s like flushing a clogged toilet: the muck just keeps rising … Continue reading A Lingering Aroma of Human Waste
I still remember brilliant kaleidoscopic light and the low thrum it made as it permeated my body, carrying me higher and higher, and deeper within the unlimited inner-space in my head. The music would open doors to emotions I’d not felt in years -or at all- and amplify the more familiar ones as it painted … Continue reading “The Haunting Choir”
I'll be clean two years as of the thirtieth this coming November. One question I've often asked myself since quitting crack and coke is "well, what now?" It took a long time to pull my life back together and rebuild trust in my relationships with friends and family, and I can't forget the financial hole … Continue reading “Well, What Now?”
I never tried heroin: coke and crack yes, by all routes of administration, but never that. Once you've gone so far down the rabbit hole, it's go big or fuck off, right? Sure, I was curious about H (dog food, "her-on") and I was miserable enough to contemplate giving it a shot (pun intended) but … Continue reading “Poisonous Offerings”
Cast out, mocked and feared: this is the life of a pariah, this is what it is to become feral in a domesticated world, writhing in the gutters and speaking with shadows, 21st century lepers. We all wear the same filthy mask. This is the face we show when the drugs begin to take us, … Continue reading “The Leprous Ones”
Life is fragile. This short sentence is the first thing that comes to my mind when I look back at my behavior and quality of life during my battle with drugs, and it couldn't be any more true -even now that all of the shit has been flushed and scrubbed away from my life, a … Continue reading “Crawling Out of Satan’s Asshole: My Emergence From the Pits of Addiction”
There is a perpetual war within my head between the part of me that aspires for better and the cancer of negativity which gestates nearby and in almost equal quantity. There are days when I feel joy, happiness, and contentment; other days I wish nothing more than to die screaming my grievances at the top … Continue reading “A New Reason to Live”
November 30th2018 was an important date: one year clean to the day. The “miracle” had already happened; the cravings and nightmares had subsided, but the shame and guilt remained -and still do, but not exactly. The events which led up to and occurred during my period of addiction are hazy fragments at best. I choose … Continue reading “A Learning Experience”
The past seems like a bad dream only partially recollected: little fragments worm their way up from my subconscious and back into the daylight of the present from time to time, withering away almost as rapidly as they break the surface. The little pits and holes they carved are miniscule, yet multitudinous, and through this … Continue reading “Worms”
I used to be afraid of headlights. After dark, when another car is creeping up in the rear-view, its easy to imagine that every single car (apart from your own) belongs to a cop. I was like a cockroach: every flicker of any nearby light, and I was out of there like greased lightning. I … Continue reading Phantasmagoria
Towers of Rust 